PSYCHOLOGY CHILDREN - BABY-HEALTH

Role of Parents

What prevents some parents from really being so?

The fascinating paradox of education is that in order to develop one must limit. The child has a greater chance of development than the adult but, to become one, someone must direct him and limit his possibilities. If no one chooses for him, growth becomes anarchic. To educate means to choose on behalf of those who cannot yet do so. and the task will be finished when the child can do it on his own: only then will the first objective of education be achieved, that is to be able to do without the educator. Who is unable to have a role as parent-educator ( even if all educators are involved here) is doomed to failure because, instead of favoring the autonomy of one's child, his dependence on himself, on others, on the group will increase.

Causes

What are the possible causes of the educational bias that leads to the "terrible child"?

The child needs constant guidance that knows how to contain, direct and order his positive but disharmonious thrusts. Unfortunately, sometimes comfort intervenes: it is much easier, for a parent who is not very busy, to "let the child do it" rather than the responsibility of a choice or the sorrow of a child. no.
At other times, however, the sense of guilt that parents, especially mothers, feel towards their children occurs because of work and social commitments that take away time dedicated to them. When they are together they tend to pay their child back as if they owe something and, of course, they are more willing to tolerate wrong attitudes and fill him with objects rather than a relationship.
Another important social aspect is the generalized crisis of values which affects all strata. It is understandable to think of a parent confused by "categories" within which he cannot find more valid principles to transmit: "what to teach a child if I myself a parent no longer know what to believe?".
Finally, the coherence of the educator is also very important: even when the principles to be transmitted are there, an example is needed to do so and so that they remain stable. Children have an elementary but iron logic: for example, if a parent passes by with red, the child thinks: "the rules do not exist, or they exist only for others, and if others do not respect them I can get angry with them without reflect on me ".

Terrible child from the point of view of psychology

The problem of the terrible child can be traced back, psychologically speaking, to the so-called "experiences involved in the" educational itinerary ", which in this case are three: the experience of" separation ", that of" creation "and that of" gratitude ".

Lived the separation: it has been said that educating means making sure that the educator (the child), when the educational process has taken place, can do without the educator (parent). This step is very difficult to manage internally in the parent's psyche, because it has to do with a separation. It may therefore happen that the same parent interferes in the educational process, because he runs the risk of interpreting the child's achievements, curiosities, attempts at autonomy as attacks, emotional distances from oneself and, more or less consciously, will try to circumscribe them, limit them. or even abolish them. The result is that, without the individual elaboration of these conflicts, we arrive at education in dependence instead of autonomy, the true goal of any type of education.

Lived of creation: educating means extracting from the child what already exists, empowering him and teaching him to manage it; the temptation to "create a child in one's own image and likeness" is very strong, especially for an insecure parent, less open, therefore less inclined to get involved. discussion in order not to compromise one's own certainties. The result is an education in intolerance towards any novelty, which is always experienced as dangerous, rather than as both emotional and intellectual curiosity.

Lived of gratitude: educating means not having the right to love for as long as the educational process lasts, since one cannot love what one needs, but only what one chooses out of desire and not out of need. The parent has the duty to love one's child, because it is assumed that he has chosen it, while the child has the right to be loved but not the duty to love until he chooses his parents, once educated. A distortion of this concept involves the possibility of emotional blackmail: "if you don't listen to me and don't do what I say it means that you don't love me while I don't know what to do anymore because I love you so much." The result of this conflict, whether unresolved or confused, it is "education in affection as a commodity:" if you obey me I give you something "and, on the other hand," I demand a gift to do what I have to ". All of this is called and exchanged for love.